27
Apr
You can spend every day of your life thinking about something. Actively wishing. Praying. Literally praying. Regretting. It can be the simplest thing. It can be serious. In my case aside from my career dreams and exam worries, it was them. It was pathetic. It was silly. It was almost hilarious in how petty is all was and how deeply cut I was.
Bubbles slowly, eventually started talking to me again. Barest minimum of course. We sat next to each other in a small corner in one lesson- minus She who shan’t be named of course, the slow trepid conversations would have never occurred otherwise. We used to rule that classroom with our quiet snatched whispers of gossip and regales of laughter quickly crescending into fully fledged conversation despite the glare of the tutor. When unexpectedly questioned on a subject we had so clearly not been attentive to we would answer brilliantly and almost certainly slightly annoying the tutor and fellow classmates at our geeky, cheeky audacity. The silence in the wake of the fallout would unnerve the class.
The conversations were never really conversations but comments and sometimes timid jokes. A pitiful shadow of what was. This didn’t stop my hopes from rising. In my mind we would slowly regain our intimacy, trust. More fool me.
No sooner did I gain hope than I lost it. I turned to dieting often using the dirty tricks I had picked up along the way- it was wrong, felt kinda right and the cherished prize sometimes in sight which was more than what I could say for my attempts at reconciliation. My alcoholic fuelled clubbing, pubbing and house partying adventures increased as I relied upon a high school friend to provide me with night relief from the daytime discomfort.
She, Silva, was the friend everybody knew was slightly bonkers. A little too loud, too un-p.c. She was the friend everybody worries is will influence you to do silly things, get you into silly situations. I was annoyed by this, still am if anybody dares to suggest that I will be influenced! She drank a lot. But I did too of my own accord. She wanted to club every night. I didn’t learn how to say no to her. That friend who will never leave their house for a catch up, despite your houses being 5 mins apart. You pay for the chocolate/dvd rental or wine every once in a while when she is broke but can’t remember the last time she did- then notice she has begged money off her parents to go shopping AGAIN.
