I honestly don’t know why I am writing this out. I mean I have erm google checked this. Apparently this blog doesn’t come up in many if any searches but the thought of the girls reading this isn’t a nice one. I have tried to be honest with myself as well as about them, but I know people probably won’t see it that way. It has gotten past what they think as much as the inner optimistic me wants everything to be ok again. I need to be ok again, hence I blog hoping for release.

My remark had circulated the college with all finding it hilarious that they had taken an offence to such a silly ‘cuss’ as it were. Classmates later told me they watched with interest how the bridge between me and the girls increased physically as I would seem to sit further away from She who shan’t be named and Bubble in classes over time until it was possible only to gain more distance by not attending (which of course I would never submit to, drama or no drama). Their description is comedic and even though I was bitterly sad and emotional at the time could see the humor in it as we were once almost conjoined, and a silly comment had caused all manner of rifts.

While closest friend was understanding at first, the distance put between me and the other girls made it near impossible for us to regain our friendship with cordial smiles from afar. She believed I was angry with her, I thought the same of her. Of course I know she was in a difficult position and whilst not hating her for her actions I often wondered why she let me be in isolation clearly lost and at heart a true friend. Everywhere I turned I saw either secretive and victious smiles from the girls, the exisiting acquaintances I sought lunch time refuge with were all filled with questions which were repetitive, and untactful.

On the up side however I quickly learnt that during my year within the group I had no idea that I had shut myself away from other potential friends. I got to really know people I hadn’t bothered to, because I had all the friends I have needed in those girls. I gained so many more friends, but none were best friends. None were even close friends. I was told that whilst I was always polite and greeting people, they didn’t feel they could get to know me too well in the group because the group was so enclosed. To my relief some expressed disappointment at not being able to get to know me! In the light of being suddenly ejected from my friendship group facing lunch time after lunchtime of loneliness and the panicked ‘where do I sit’ decisions, small compliments made my day but nothing was quite the same. There was never quite the same high buzz of happiness or care free laughter. That sounds so melodramatic but it is true, with everybody knowing sketchy details and the group here there and everywhere I never felt comfortable in that college again.

The rumours had started from the very get go. Those who didn’t ask questions kept quiet. Others told me what had happened, or at least what they had heard. A close male friend of the group told me he was told that Bubble and I were preparing to physically fight! Incredulous. I laughed. Shocked but still laughing it off because I was growing good at that by then.

It took me more than a year to finally piece together the rumours, and the rumour-mill. I had no idea how far they had gone…