Back to this marvelous story of hope in human nature, friendships and morality!

As previously mentioned, She who shan’t be named had accused me of being jealous of her ‘special bond’ with Bubble. But worse yet Bubble said she had heard of She who shan’t be named’s theory, and approved.

As I write this, remember it and the anger and humiliation flood back I have to wonder why I have let this eat me up. Anybody could see that this is not a real friendship! These are not real friends! But I have always been loyal to my friends, and these girls were my best friends, the best I have ever had. For this reason I find it hard to let go of the memories, the what ifs and questions. I have been deeply hurt by them but they were my friends. Hence I text Bubble now and then and have gone for coffee with her.

As Bubble texted this to me, I realised just how thick the plot was being woven, with me on the outside, She who shan’t be named leading the pack and my own best friend Bubble repeating She who shan’t be named in her own texts. The texts smacked of collusion, conspiracy and like sheep they were repeating each other. Thus I declined to answer any more texts from those girls in the group who had not been directly involved in the heated discussions, or who did not have a personal complaint to make as the repetition and relay throughout the group was distracting me from my main task- to solve the godamn mess.

Just when one issue had been cleared up, no sooner did another issue arise. We were going around in circles over silly inane things. Despite being cleared up, they remained in Bubble’s head, she was bitter over them, using them as weaponry to keep my at bay. When I again explained and we came to agreement until there was little to the debacle than an ugly argument cleared up, almost by default she would remain frosty and angry for no apparent reason.

I snapped one day. We were on instant messenger in an open conversation with another girl tapping away the hatred and accusations. I had had enough. I made a silly, angry comment. Funnily my angry barb was as conditional as my advice has always been.

If you girls are going to take offence at such a silly matter which has been apologised for and resolved, then you are silly _____ girls.

I referred to their local area which they had grown up in, gone to primary and high school in and 75% of the college came from. I don’t know why I referred to it! They took great offence. But the comment was not limited to just the two girls I had been typing to, no. They were texted, emailed, distributed throughout the group with the conditional removed and the comment personalised and generalised as to mean everybody. In fact She who shan’t be named should take up the role of spin doctor because she would do the job scarily efficiently.

Hence forth every single girl in the group, which from my outside view was immense with its 7 members, took more than a gleeful disliking to me. They hated me with a passion. There was no way back from no-man’s-land. In other words they had permission to kill.

We had finished our first year of college and were enjoying the holidays. A few birthdays and girly catch-ups here and there. My younger sibling was admitted to hospital for the last 2 months of summer. I didn’t feel as supported by the girls as I usually did. I felt that they didn’t understand how serious the situation was, and not realising that I was travelling an hour each way to the hospital for every day of the hospitalisation. But nevertheless summer passed, my sibling regained near to perfect health and college restarted.

University panic had set in over the summer. The careers office was the main talk of the canteen, along with personal statements and choices. It was the second week back when it happened.

For all the dramatic effect, it really wasn’t exciting or mature. It was and still is almost hysterically funny. Funny, stupid and anal. Which I guess must sum up a lot of friendships of the so called ‘fairer’ sex. I rushed to the careers office immediately after class, leaving behind two of the girls in order to finalise registration of my university course application. Not long after I received a call from She who shan’t be named, who quirkily asked if I was OK. I explained the situation, and she explained that she and the other girls had taken offence as I had rushed off and seemingly avoided having lunch with them- a daily, unitary routine however not without causing minor disagreements in the past when more timid members of the group were left by themselves as others, i.e. She who shan’t be named and Bubble had rushed off. Nonetheless I denied avoiding the girls, reiterating the importance of going to the careers office. Problem solved?

No. Later that day, after being largely cold shouldered by the girls in lessons, I left college to find -shock horror!- the 7 girls walking home together without me. I was miffed as it smacked of double standards. Again in a rush I walked past and went on my way alone. By the time I had gotten home the texts had escalated into full war with girls flinging accusations left right and centre. She who shan’t be named even accused me of being jealous of the ‘special bond’ between her and Bubble. Right. My closest friend, and most emotionally sensitive and timid, accepted my explanation seemingly without much fuss. But things weren’t right. I was annoyed at being bombarded with accusations from girls who quite frankly were not particularly involved in the fiasco. I was more than annoyed, angry and shocked and really quite repulsed by She who shan’t be named’s claims of jealousy- I mean they were all my friends and it had only occurred to me and others that she, She who shan’t be named, was at the heart of a lot of resentment and bullying within the group. She had the art of perception down to a tee.

To most outsiders and indeed insiders she appeared to be a quite girl, of average intelligence and quite sweet and naive. She stressed her skinniness and used ‘fatty’ as a term of endearment for larger members of the group far too regularly for my liking. In the words of my closest friend she wanted to be the group’s little sweetheart or princess who needed to be protected from the ugly gritty nature of the world. Yet she was proud of having a boyfriend and rubbed the other girls’ faces in it. She would claim not to know of adult things yet she was seen doing such adult things as I later found out! She was racially abusive to outsiders and indirectly so to the girls by placing an over inflated importance on who was ‘whiter’, with jokes towards the palest but it was clear to all she, an asian girl, was envious. As a person of mixed heritage I felt stung when she advised me not to sit in the sun as not to catch a tan.

The emotional bullying from She who shan’t be named had already reared its ugly head a couple of months prior to my exile. The most timid girl in the group, my closest friend, had broken down in tears much to my surprise because I had just assumed exam stress was the main culprit of her suddenly withdrawn nature. But no, She who shan’t be named was summoned to the theatre of all dramatic social events -the toilet- in order for the matter to be reconciled. And so it was then that the group learnt of the secret feud initiated by She who shan’t be named, let us not forget her facade of humble sweetness, who had (again I am drawing on the words of closest friend) turned into an ice queen on the premise of closest friend being supposedly ‘off’ with her. What this really meant I now believe is that She who shan’t be named realised how integral a part of the group closest friend was and felt miffed that despite friendship she was not a preferred best friend of closest friend. The showdown lasted a few days- for the duration of which I was honestly shocked to hear suddenly from closest friend of the true, hidden nature of She who shan’t be named. I offered advice for I abhorred facadery, bitchiness and to hear of how closest friend was being to feel. I didn’t play role of peacemaker because I was out of my depth with the frosty side of She who shan’t be named previously unknown to me. Instead I was the shoulder to cry on, advisor and best friend.

I believe that whilst closest friend and She who shan’t be named patched up, I remained shocked at the person I had glimpsed at during the debacle. I also believe that after the showdown closest friend lost something. She appeared more frequently following up the lead of She who shan’t be named and Bubble. She appeared eager to fit in, clingy and needy even. Over time I had come to believe that some of the advice I had given to closest friend, whom I had just wanted to be happy, was mentioned to She who shan’t be named on their return to friendship. I always try to be diplomatic with advice, offering different explanations and possibilities. My advice was littered with ‘if’, offering mostly that if this side of She who shan’t be named was as closest friend had me believe, and if she continued to be this way… and of course this was probably misconstrued.

I seem to have fallen by the wayside a little, and off course to the main events.

Happy Custard

Hello! I’m new to this blogging stuff. So why am I doing this? Well I’m not an attention seeking freak- at least I hope not. I don’t want anybody to know who I am… the content of this blog shall explain why. And if nobody reads this, well that’s a shame because who doesn’t want honest advice and feedback, but at least I shall have gotten so many things off my chest.

And so we begin.

At time of writing I am an 18 year old girl. For what I am about to reveal is to others merely teenage turmoil, self-centred and naive. To me it is why I am what I am.

I came from an all girls faith school with a reputation which concealed the social hubbub and school girl scandals. I left with great grades, in fact excellent grades, but I just wanted to get away from the people I had seen change over one year to become full fledged teenage bitches! As a sensible girl but probably a late developer in that sense, I failed to see the appeal of makeup, drinking until unconscious and boys! Of course that all changed once I left the relatively calm sanctum of the girls school and started at college where the social dilemnas, scandals and pressures escalated.

Despite leaving high school just glad to get away from the girls I had been to school with, in some instances for 11 years, I was popular. I was fully welcome in three or four friendship groups with ever changing best friends over the years- my mistake from GCSE years onwards was to abandon prior best friends for a new, smaller friendship group I hoped would become my closest confidantes but of course they had known each other intimately since 11, were less conventional and nothing including myself could break their impenitrable bubble. Upon reaching college they dispersed and have not been on speaking terms since. I spent two years chasing the unobtainable as it were, losing out on maintaining tight friendships with previous best friends. So by the time I left I fit in everywhere but if I were truely cherished anywhere I was unaware.

And so in college when I, almost instantaneously, became an integral part of a five strong friendship group, I was more than pleased. I was over the moon to have finally found real friends of which two became inseparable from me. Real best friends I had missed out on in high school. And of course by then I had quickly discovered makeup, fashion, and to some extent boys. I didn’t disappear into the college system- I was smart, popular and pretty. With my ‘mixed heritage’ to be P.C, I was different to the 75% of the rest of the college who were of the same ethnic background who had incidentally come from the same local area and thus high schools. I was fresh meat and the novelty didn’t wear off for the rest of the students. Of course this caused resentment amongst other girl groups but I was almost oblivious as I had unknowingly closed myself off to real socialisation, with my girls becoming my all. But that was the way with them and always had been even before me…

We all know one friendship group who does it- some purposely and others just don’t realise until it is too late. They mainly speak to each other, socialise with each other, text each other. They study together and eat, yes, together. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from that situation to realise how cocooned you have become, have many wonderful and diverse people you are missing out on truely knowing, and how many social skills you have lost! For me, it was more the case that I was removed from that situation.